Saturday, February 9, 2013

About current state of mind



Lately, my body and mind have gone through a change and my views of life, have become much clearer. There's some kind of purity that has taken over and preferring everything that is more natural and real.
Even the smallest things you know? Like there's somekind of freedom in not wearing any make  up these days. and that makes me oh-so-happy. Saving up time, money and skin. Cause it's the clearest it has looked for years. And it's most confident I've ever been in my own body too, i guess?
And I've overcome my insomnia and sleepless nights- sleeping like a baby every day at 11pm and waking up 7am. Seeing a beautiful red skies and a sunrise. That's something new. I've never been a morning person. Now I have my eyes wide open at 7, ready to do my morning run to the park and make myself some porridge with bananas and nuts. Suddenly, it feels such a waste of time to sleep through all that.
I guess it's the routine that I've adapted through my work placement at Mary Katrantzou. The beautiful things and fantastic people, Mary's laugh and Rihanna/fat friday's  have helped made me feel really happy there. No stress, no worries, just pure enjoyment of being part something this magnificent.
I've noticed that I've become calmer, more thought through and started really living for myself. All this YOLO attitude( haha) has gone and probably(hopefully) it will stay like this forever. I've had my crazy ride with no particular goal and I feel like, from now on I will want to put all my energy into meaningful action that will start moving me forward to achieving my goals. Going out, drinking and feeling like s*it afterward feels like another wasted day for me.
My mind craves for so much knowledge and my eyes for beauty these days. I'm the weird one snapping a picture of the spilled coffee on the street that is being flushed away by the rain. And the one making notes on the tube and screenshoting every movie I find fascinating like 300 times. And collecting old sent postcards and making notes about everything that goes by me. It's strange and might sound funny to some of you, but that's what my life has become.
As days go by, I start to understand what I want to do with my life more and more. And god, I thought I knew that 1000 years ago. But now it's about laying down the most important foundation stones and doing it right with a first try. And I guess it's what this blog is about- marking down my journey as I go. Every blog post should be a cornerstone marking something, some kind of a change in me or around me. It should be so much more about quality and an about having an actual meaning.
6 months ago I was so sure, that I won't be taking a year out and will be starting my final year in sept 2013. 6 months later I've decided to do that, so it will give me another year to prepare and learn and enjoy journey of learning for another year. I don't see a point of rushing it. There are multiple options on my mind that will prepare me for my final year( and collection) in a different way.Is it going to be Moskow or Paris? Or London ? I'm not sure yet, but I have time to give it a thought. Quite a few very important goals and finished lines have changed and moved forward, which means taking much bigger risk, but you'll hear about that quite soon.

A bit time ago, I had a conversation with someone, who means the world to me, about my biggest fears and wants. I've always been scared of spiders, heights and darkness, but that's all silly talk, isn't it? I'm scared of failure, more than anything. It's not materialistic fear, it's more about feeling that I haven't succeeded. For me, success is about feeling happy and feeling that you are living a fulfilling life. Life that actually matters and that you enjoy. Life that you live for yourself. that's exactly what I've been trying to do for last half year or so. I've had a hell of a ride during my short life-i've seen quite a lot of bullshit, done and experienced some of the craziest things, been to the darkest places you can imagine. I'm so glad, that I'm on a much calmer road now and have people who push me higher and not drag me in to the dark, around me.
I've had the most peaceful saturday today, with my usual sunset-run-porridge morning that was followed by my two favourite gallery visits- National Portrait Gallery and The Photograpgers Gallery. They never disappoint  I bought a few interesting books about curations and top photographers essays, so I'll have quite a bit of reading to do for my essay in Photography in context module. Also, I've been working in the studio today, listening to Rihanna all together, planning who's gonna sing what at after party,listening to discussions about front row seating,putting together commercial sales book, stitching down embellishment and keeping my eye on fittings etcccc etccccc.
Have as great weekend as I am having sweethearts!

With all my love,
R























8 comments:

Hanna said...

Sinu blogipostituste lugemine annab alati nii mõnusa inspiratsiooni ja energiaboosti ! Sa kirjutad nii-nii mõnusasti ja alati peale Sinu postituste lugemist kinnitan endale rahulikult, et ''everything is going to be just fine...''. Hämmastav, et inimene, keda ma ei tunne, oskab sellise rahulolu minusse tuua. Ma loodan, et Sul läheb kõik kõige paremini ja muidugi jään ootama ka uusi postitusi - olgu need siis pildid, tekst või ka muusika. Viimase kohapealt - see laul läks tekstiga superhästi kokku !

Anonymous said...

You are such a humble and beautiful person, Roberta! Others have said that, but I will say it again: I'm so glad you are posting in english again! You are a true inspiration :)

Shizuko said...

Ma isegi ei oska hästi sõnastada, kui mõnusalt inspireeriv see postitus oli. Tunda on seda sisemist harmooniat ja rahulolu, mis sa oled oma elus leidnud. See on parim tunne, mis olla saab. Naudi :)

Anonymous said...

Ilus postitus!

Anonymous said...

anna andeks, et nii isiklik küsimus, aga kas sa oled kihlatud? :)

Anonymous said...

ilus inimene nii seest kui väljast!!

Anonymous said...

vau, sa muutud iga blogipostitusega aina imetlusväärsemaks !

Anonymous said...

Boris Groys – On the Curatorship (from the book Art Power), Brian O'Doherty – Inside the White Cube and articles from Hans Haacke are the ones to read on curating (if you haven't already). Also Harald Szeemann is quite the legend.